Monday, July 27, 2009

Taking a break

I'm taking a break from blogging....till end of this year.There's reason that cannot be shared until I write back.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Ironinya kehidupan

Tanggal 9 Julai, Hari Khamis malam Jumaat, jam 8.45 malam , saya menerima panggilan dari Datin Haiwazi (Kak g), katanya suami Kak Hazeha baru saja meninggal dunia dan dia minta supaya message di panjangkan kepada semua guru . Langsung saya teringat kata-kata kak Hazeha beberapa minggu yang lalu meminta saya supaya tidak bercerai. Katanya, "Tie , tak payahlah bercerai, If I, I cannot imagine losing my husband." Itu kata-kata Kak Zeha merujuk arwah suaminya yang baik. Saya pula....dapat suami yang tidak pernah menghargai langsung kebaikan saya, dimaki, ditengking, dipukul....there's so much different between her husband and mine. Memang susah untuk dia memahami keadaan saya.

Hari ini saya tidak dapat bayangkan bagaimana Kak Zeha hendak menghadapi hidup sebagai seorang isteri yang banyak bergantung kepada suami sendirian. I asked her to be strong.

Sebaik berita di terima , saya langsung menghubungi kawan2 yang lain dan terus bersiap kerumah Kakg untuk ke HKL.

Di HKL, Tizihan dan suami sudah berada menemani Kak Zeha. Sekurang2nya ada yang menemani Kak Zeha dalam keadaan sukar ini. At this moment Kak Zeha memang sangat memerlukan kami sementara menanti kehadiran saudara mara yang lain. Saya peluk kak Zeha, dia menangis. "T, I was in school and the nurse called me.I sempat mandikan dia. The doctor said there's something wrong with his lungs. While putting him on drips, half way he cannot breath....." I asked her to be strong. Saya minta dia redha. Memang sukar menerima kehilangan orang yang dekat dgn kita.Tambah-tambah orang inilah yang menjadi sahabat kita yang setia di waktu senang dan susah.

Saya keluar sebentar dari bilik mayat menunggu seorang lagi rakan agar dia tidak sesat. Tiba2 saya di sapa Pengetua yang bergegas datang. Belum sempat kak Chah (cikgu Kimia) berjumpa parking, jenazah sudah siap dimandikan. Saya minta Kak Chah terus ke masjid Taman Sri Rampai. Kami menyusul kemudiannya.

Sebaik sampai di Masjid. Lebih ramai lagi rakan-rakan yang saya hubungi. Saya menghadap betul2 di hadapan arwah. Sebaik penutup wajahnya dibuka, hati saya berkata, wajah arwah nampak bersih, putih bercahaya. Dari cerita kak Hazeha, arwah memang melayan dia dengan baik. Tidak pernah menengking, jauh sekali memukul isteri. Saya tidak dapat bayangkan kesedihan Kak Zeha .

Sebaik ramai saudara mara mulai datang, hampir jam 12.30 tengah malam, saya dan kakg meminta diri.Begitu juga Kak Chah yang datang bersama anaknya Nabila.Selepas itu baru perut terasa lapar. Rupanya saya tak sempat makan malam.Kami singgah makan sambil bercerita kisah penceraian saya.

Pagi esoknya, surah yasin dibacakan oleh semua warga SMKDTHO.Hari ini juga adalah HARI TERBUKA. Guru2 yang tidak sempat pergi semalam terus ke masjid. Saya pula perlu mengajar bagi kelas awal. Jam 9 pagi Kak G menelefon mengajak ke kubur. Arwah selamat disemadikan di tanah perkuburan Taman selasih, Gombak pada jam 10 pagi.

Hari ini...Kak Zeha sudah datang ke sekolah seperti biasa.Dia masih bersedih tapi berusaha untuk menjadi kuat. Mati itu sudah pasti cuma kita tidak tahu bila pulak masanya untuk kita.

Dalam kak Zeha meminta saya jangan bercerai, dia pulak terpaksa bercerai mati dengan suami tercinta. Bezanya bercerai mati lebih pahit dari bercerai kerana tersiksa seperti saya.


Alfatihah untuk Allahyarham Haji Hashim.
Untuk Kak Zeha. Semoga tabah menghadapi dugaan ini.......hidup perlu diteruskan.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Hari penceraian yang di nanti

Pagi itu.....saya dan suami pergi bersama ke mahkamah. Saya yang memandu. Kami bercakap seperti biasa. Sebaik sampai di mahkamah, suami laju berjalan meninggalkan saya di belakang. Dalam hati saya berkata, " dahlah tumpang kereta orang, pas tu jalan buat tak tahu saje...ahhh biarlah orang macam tu"

Dalam pada itu suami sempat menyindir saya...mana dia penyokong2 awak, saudara mara awak yang menyokong penceraian ini?..... "diaorang keje lah," balas saya. Sebenarnya saya tak meminta sesiapa pun datang kerana kali terakhir kami ke mahkamah, rakan saya terpaksa menunggu di luar, kali ini saya bimbang tempoh lebih lama menyebabkan mereka kena tunggu di luar lebih lama. kesian.

Di pendekkan cerita..kami dalam mahkamah. Rupa-rupanya kes disebut secara terbuka. Seronok betul dapat dengar prosiding mahkamah secara terbuka macam ni. Ini pengalaman baru bagi saya. Ada macam-macam kes yang disebut pada hari itu..ada kes poligami kahwin kat Narathiwat, kes penceraian di luar mahkamah dan macam-macam lagi. Lama betul menunggu giliran kami berdua.

Akhirnya nama kami di sebut. Suami pasti bangga kerana dia bertindak sebagai plaintif, konon-konon dia lah yang nak sangat bercerai dengan saya. Pada hal...disebaliknya dia memilih untuk bercerai sebab takut saya akan buat tuntutan fasakh kerana dia menumbuk saya. Kalau itu yang saya buat, semua keburukan dia akan disebut dan dia perlu mendapatkan peguam pulak untuk membela diri. Dia tak ada duit. Saya pulak..akan diwakili oleh doktor HKL dan polis sebagai saksi. Saya akhirnya bersetuju memohon perceraian bersama kerana saya tidak mahu mengambil masa yang lama untuk bercerai. Saya hanya ingin penceraian ini berlaku segera, saya dapat sijil cerai segera, dapat memohon pertukaran pun dengan segera serta membina hidup baru segera.


Berbalik kisah tadi... kami disuruh mengangkat sumpah. Kemudian suami ditanya tentang permohonan cerai dan dia mengaku ingin bercerai kerana tiada persefahaman. Saya juga ditanya perkara yang sama. Saya juga bersetuju. Di tanya tentang hak penjagaan anak. Kami juga bersetuju anak2 diserahkan kepada saya. Tentang nafkah anak2 juga suami bersetuju dengan jumlah yang ditetapkan.Naflah edah juga saya serahkan kepada suami dan dia bersetuju. Saya juga meminta suami membuat bayaran perbezaan kereta. Saya sebenarnya bodoh..saya telah membenarkan dia menggunakan loan kerajaan saya untuk membeli keretanya. Saya pulak terpaksa membeli kereta dengan menggunakan loan bank yang lebih mahal.Nak diambil balik kereta pun tak boleh sebab kereta dia dah banyak kali accident. Saya juga meminta semua bayaran dibuat secara potongan gaji.

Saya kemudian memohon hakim untuk melalui proses sulh sebab saya nak meminta jasa baik suami membenarkan saya dan anak2 menumpang di rumah dia untuk tempoh 1 setengah bulan selepas edah sementara menunggu cuti sekolah. Setelah ditanya suami, suami tidak membenarkan, sebaliknya meminta untuk menjaga anak untuk tempoh itu. Setelah memikirkan kebajikan anak2, saya bersetuju untuk keluar dari rumah tanpa anak2 selama tempoh 1 bulan lebih itu. Ayah mereka memang tidak kisah melihat kami anak beranak merempat tanpa rumah, tapi saya sebagai ibu yang melahirkan tidak mahu perkara ini berlaku. Perceraian ini sepatutnya menjadikan keadaan hidup kami anak beranak lebih baik. Saya tidak mahu merumitkan keadaan. Saya akan menumpang rumah kawan saya dan cuba menghabiskan masa sebanyak mungkin bersama anak dalam tempoh itu dan malamnya bermalam dirumah rakan saya.

Sebaik kata sepakat dibuat, hakim pun membuat keputusan, hak penjagaan anak2 kepada isteri, bayaran nafkah anak,edah dan yang lain perlu dibuat secara potongan gaji mulai bulan Julai. Saya lihat suami hanya mendengar tanpa membantah. Dalam hati berkata, "biar betul. kalau ye pun nak control baik..biarlah betul."

Hakim kemudiannya meminta kami bermaaf-maafan. Melihat suami diam, saya membuka suara walaupun saya tidak tahu saya hendak minta maaf untuk apa. Akhirnya saya berkata, 'Saya nak minta maaf kepada awak kerana tidak suka mak awak'. Suami pulak hanya berdiam diri menunjukkan egonya, menunjukkan baiknya. Kemudian saya pulak tanya dia...eh awak tak nak minta maaf ke?....kerana memukul saya, menengking saya, menghalau saya. Suami buat muka bodoh saja. Dia mesti marah saya menceritakan keburukan dia. Melihat keegoan dia...saya rasa seperti nak tergelak pun ada.

Dia kemudian melafazkan cerai begitu perlahan. Sebaik habis lafaz cerai, saya hanya tersenyum lega dan mengucapkan terima kasih kepadanya. Sebaik disuruh menandatangani surat, dia cepat2 ingin berlalu tetapi dipanggil balik oleh hakim kerana belum selesai. Hakim akhirnya membuat keputusan kami bukan lagi suami isteri. Tidak ada kata yang dapat menjelaskan perasaan saya ketika itu. Ibarat satu batu besar yang baru beralih dari bahu saya. Mulai hari ini saya tidak ada hubungan dengan keluarganya lagi. Tidak ada sebab lagi untuk saya dipaksa berbaik dengan keluarganya semula. Saya rasa sangat ringan.

Sebaik tamat sesi, seorang pegawai polis wanita memanggil saya, katanya " bagus kau hentam dia macam tu . Padan dengan muka dia," Saya hanya tersenyum saja. Tak manis kalau saya membalas lebih2. Tambah2 dalam mahkamah pulak tu.

Perkara pertama yang saya tanya kepada pegawai disitu ialah bila saya boleh dapat surat cerai. Inilah tiket kebebasan saya. Inilah tiket untuk saya pergi kemana2. Ini juga tiket pertukaran saya. Kata pegawai disitu, dalam masa tiga minggu kami boleh dapatkan surat tersebut.


Di dalam kereta, bekas suami bersuara...eh hakim tu kata saya kena bayar nafkah mulai Julai...Saya tak nak bayar! Saya tergelak..kenapa tadi bila hakim cakap awak tak bantah? Sepanjang jalan kami bertekak.Dia menjerit2 hampir tembus kereta saya. Katanya hakim tu bodoh....entahlah.

Saya kini sedang melalui tempoh edah, masih tinggal dgn suami sehingga 3 bulan lagi. Siksanya menunggu masa untuk selesai. Saya tak sabar nak renovate rumah di Sungai Petani di Bandar laguna Merbuk yang lengkap dengan Rumah Kelab dan Sekuriti. Kawan2 minta saya tidak meninggalkan mereka. Memang saya sayang kawan2 dan tempat kerja tapi saya ingin kehidupan yang lebih perlahan dan keselesaan buat anak-anak. Kawan2 saya tidak akan hilang ke mana dan saya juga akan mendapat lebih banyak kawan di masa akan datang.

Saya sangat sangat bersyukur, Tuhan memudahkan saya bercerai kali ini dan memberi peluang kali kedua untuk saya memilih pasangan yang baru . Kali ini saya akan lebih berhati2 dan akan mengambil "my own sweet time' untuk berkawin kali kedua. Kalau saya selesa menjadi ibu tunggal, maka saya akan kekal seperti itu selama yang saya mahu. Serik pun ada jugak. Dalam pada itu saya tidak menolak jika jodoh saya sampai dalam jangka masa yang terdekat...jika bertemu orang yang sejiwa dengan saya, saya tidak akan menolak.






Sunday, July 5, 2009

MICHAEL JACKSON (MJ) IN MEMORY

I just couldn't remember what day was that. Lately, I just dun have much time to sit and watch the news as the TV was occupied by Daniel my youngest boy to watch his favourite Disney Channel. While he was busy watching "Barney" in the other room, I quickly changed the channel to get last glance of the news and the news says, "Michael Jackson akan sentiasa bersemadi dalam ingatan kita semua". I was like....."what???? Is MJ dead?". I just couldn't believe what I've heard and watched.
Of course....even though people says he's weird , I am still his big fan. Not as big as Sudir's or Tun's fan but behind those artificial plastic face...I knew that he got a kind heart, much much better than those who said that.

I would never forget his last concert in KL . That was 1996, I went with Eddie (my ex bf),Kate Lan, Nandi, Ravinder ,Shan , Kak Srina and her Chinese friend. The whole four main races was there ( 2 malays, 2 chinese, 2 Indians and 1 punjabi ).We paid RM160 per head.The concert was great. The first thing to happen was a big loud applaused and then we were already standing on the chairs. Noone sits.And from far...everybody was screaming for his name and we too. I was speechless after the concert...it was like a dream seeing him standing right there, in front of my very own two eyes. I can still hear him singing, ..."you never say goodbye, someone tell me why, didn't have to go and leave my world so cold".....It was the most beautiful voice I have ever heard, it just made me feel like crying. A week after that Eddie got me all his pictures. I dunno where he got that but it was a live taken pictures and not from magazines. I was so touched of the affords he made to get me the pictures.
A few months ago, I met Nandi. We still talked about that concert, flashing back those precious moments and about a month ago, I met Eddie ( married with 5 kids but not to me...he was charmed to marry this woman or maybe we are not meant to be)...Eddie was half of himself. He didn't remember much of our time together and I do not want to remind him of anything BUT he can still remember the concert and mentioning about going to the concert again should MJ come over . And Now.....MJ is no longer around. I am speechless....as his brother Jermaine said," Michael is a gift from Allah and He has taken him back." Allah loves good man and MJ is one of them...taken back too soon. Just like Sudir.





Read about what Jermaine has got to say about his brother's shocking death

Jermaine Jackson Talks Michael:

"I Wish It Was Me"E! Online, Jul 2, 2009 10:46 am PDT
Exactly one week after Michael Jackson's death, brother Jermaine Jackson became the first member of the still-mourning musical family to sit down for an in-depth interview about the late icon, speaking to the Today show this morning from the grounds of Neverland Ranch.
Describing himself as Michael's "backbone," an emotional and frequently tearful Jermaine paid tribute to his little brother, and revealed what his surprisingly preferred outcome to last week's tragedy would have been.
"He went too soon, he went too soon," he told Matt Lauer. "I don't know how people are gonna take this, but I wish it was me.
"I've always felt that I was his backbone. Someone to be there for him. I was there and he was sort of like Moses. The things he couldn't say, I would say them. During the trials and during everything, I knew he was 1,000 percent innocent. I knew. We all knew.
"Michael is a gift from Allah. And he has taken him back."
As for how Jermaine discovered the tragic news in the first place, he said he received a call from a friend, but, disbelieving that anything could have happened to his brother, phoned his mother, Katherine, for clarification. It was then he found out Michael had been declared dead.
"To hear my mother say Michael's dead…to feel and hear the tone in her voice to say her child is dead, is nothing that anyone can ever imagine," he said, adding that he rushed across town and could already see the helicopters circling over the hospital before his arrival.
After attempting to console his mother, Jermaine said a personal goodbye to his brother.
"I wanted to see Michael. I wanted to see my brother. Seeing him there lifeless and breathless was very emotional for me, but I held myself together because I know that he's very much alive, his spirit is. That was just a shell.
"I kissed him on his forehead, I hugged him and touched him and I said, 'Michael, I'll never leave you.' I felt really, really empty."
As for how his family is holding up, Jermaine said that the devastation has taken a toll, but they're doing their best to stay strong.
"It's tough. My family is being strong. We've always been a family and we're just holding together. But it's tough. It's very tough.
"We lost our brother, our hero. The world is mourning, we're mourning, the fans are mourning. It's unreal. It's unbelievable."
As for Jackson's three children, Prince Michael, Paris-Michael and the affectionately nicknamed Blanket, Jermaine said they're "fine now" and called them "very special" kids.
He confirmed that the trio saw Michael's body at the hospital at the suggestion of a therapist, a move Jermaine was initially opposed to.
"I know it's tough, but I think it was the best thing to do. At first I was against it, but what do you say if you don't show them?"
The children are currently spending time with their cousins, and Jermaine took time out to praise Michael's decision, revealed in his recently filed will, to have their mother take over guardianship of the trio.
"I thought it was a great will, because the children are fine—my mother's the right person to be there.
"She's capable, she's up to it, because she's always with all the grandchildren all the time. She loves the laughter and the crying and all the excitement. She'll have someone with her to make sure they're doing the right things."
While a Neverland burial has already been discounted as a viable option, Jermaine says it's still his top choice for his brother's interment.
"This is his home. He created this, why wouldn't he be here? I feel his presence, it's like he's on tour somewhere or he's out somewhere and it would always feel like that and I love that. He built this place with love and you can see it and feel it.
"Look at this place…This is his creation."
Jermaine also took time out to address, albeit not specifically, the unending speculation and rumors that have surfaced in regard to Michael's use and potential abuse of prescription medications.
"For people to come forth and say things that they don't have the facts to is very damaging to the family, to me, to us, because we don't know."
And while he admitted he couldn't say without a doubt that medication played no part in Michael's death, he did say that seeing an overflow of prescriptions on his still-pending toxicology report would be a surprise.
"I would be hurt. Michael has always been a person who has been against anything like that," he said, before adding, "In this business, the pressures and things that you go through, you never know what one turns to."
Still, Jermaine has no doubt that the enormous amount of pressure Michael was put under in the last decade or so of his life took a toll on his health.
"Michael was always concerned about everybody. And to have that weight on your shoulders and to have that kind of pressure…I don't know.
"The world didn't appreciate him. The world loved him, but certain people, certain industries didn't appreciate him.
"He became a victim of his own success. It was hard for him. The things that happened during his life and then the pressure, the pressure. He felt tremendous pressure. You work so hard to do good and it's perceived a different way."
Addressing Michael's 50-show London comeback and questions of whether the King of Pop was ever up to the challenge, Jermaine said his brother would have had no problem pulling it off.
"Fifty shows is a lot of shows, but I do believe and I know Michael's very strong. Mentally and physically. He's a dancer, he never stopped dancing. He was strong, he was ready. I think it had a lot to do with the mental tear and just the stress."
Finally, when asked about the legacy his iconic brother would leave behind, Jermaine unsurprisingly opted not to wax on about Michael's undisputed musical genius, but rather paid tribute to the less public side of the star.
"The legacy of Michael Jackson is Michael being a wonderful person, a wonderful father, a caring person, a humanitarian, a person who wanted good for everyone, a person who would give his last whatever just to make someone happy.
"What he's done for the world, not just the financial, but the happiness of people…What kind of price can you put on that? How do you value that? The joy…to make someone happy, to make someone smile through your actions, through what you're doing, there's no price for that."